Is It Enough to Just be Your Mommy?

Dear Boston,

I am struggling right now. Struggling with something that has lingered in my head almost my entire life. I know you don't truly realize that I am carrying your brother or sister to be, although you are fascinated with my tummy; but with this new change in our family awaiting I am filled with anxiety. A huge part of me wants to quit my morning job as a radio traffic/news girl to stay home with my babies. I want to be there every time you cry, every time you smile. I know you will only be little once and I don't want to miss out on that. At the same time I am so filled with worry that someday your friends will ask you, " What does your Mom do?" and you will have to answer.. "She just stays home and cooks and cleans and stuff." I want to be someone for you. I feel I owe you that and yet I owe you every ounce of my time. I suppose in my mind it seems "cooler" to say "My Mom is on the radio." I feel like you would be prouder of me if you could say that.

I'll admit I have been lucky in my field. I had a job before I even graduated college and I have been with the same station (101 5 the Eagle) with others rotating and they've always seemed happy with my work even if I am not satisfied with myself. I thought I had it all figured out. Daddy and I are building a studio in the basement and I've planned on doing voice-over work from home after your sibling is born. I simply dread the idea of getting up at 3:30 am and getting up with your brother or sister during the night. Maybe I need to be stronger but this has seemed like a good idea. Until now. I lost a job tonight. A voice-over gig that I thought was in the bag. The first thing that came to my mind was "I don't want Boston to be disappointed in me. " Now I am so filled with self doubt. I NEVER want you to be embarrassed of me. I want you to be proud of me. I know this is only one job but it makes me feel like maybe I don't have what it takes in this industry. I'm not perfect. I wish I was, but I am not.

So honey please know that I am trying constantly to impress you and Daddy. I want to be the best person I can be for you. I want you to stand tall when you say "That's my Mommy!" because I will always be sooooooooooooooo proud of you. You amaze me from the top of your head to the tips of your toes. I haven't been a perfect Mommy to you in anyway but please know that my best of intentions have always been put out there. I may not always do things right in Motherhood or business but I know I did something right in having you.

Please forgive me for my imperfections. I love you Forever. I'll like you for Always. As long as I'm living my Baby you'll be.

xoxoxox
Mommy